7 General Beauty Questions I Have for Other Females

I came across a Pinterest post the other day, entitled “The Right Way to Wash Your Face… In 7 Easy Steps.”
In the split-second that it took me to read that title, my brain was already short-circuiting. I hadn’t even CLICKED on it yet, and there was already so much to be alarmed about. Here, in chronological order, was my exact play-by-play reaction:
ONE: The right way to wash your face? As in, there’s a wrong way? Is face-washing really that complex? Such a labyrinthine process that people need help navigating it? Are there people out there scrubbing their faces with motor oil, cursing the sky in frustration and hoping that someone will come along, take them by the hand, and illustrate the rightway to do it?
TWO: D’uhhh… 7 steps? SEVEN?! Apparently I am one of the aforementioned wayward souls in need of direction, because I cannot even wrap my head around the idea of there being seven steps to washing your face. Unless the steps went something like:
1.)  Obtain a face.
2.)  Gain access to running water.
3.)  Find some soap.
4.)  Read this article.
5.)  Wash face.
6.)  Be happy with self for having washed face.
7.)  Do Christopher Walken impression in mirror.
THREE: Oh phew, at least they’re seven EASY steps. As opposed to all the other face washing tips out there, which call for seven DIFFICULT steps. Or five really easy steps, and two especially challenging ones.
Even if it’s the “right” way to do it, I will never be the kind of girl to devote that kind of time / energy to my face. It’s stuff like this that highlights my absolute inabilityto be a female. There are just SO. MANY. THINGS. involved in womanhood that I will never understand, and have no immediate hopes to begin understanding.
This has always been the case, since I was a wee babe, 11 years old and reading Cosmo… I figured someday I would just wake up, swing my feet off the bed and step into the world as a mature, high-heel-wearing, mascara-using lady. But the years passed, and as I blossomed into an adult I did not develop any of the ladylike characteristics I imagined I would. Instead, I feel like I spend more time impersonating a girl than actually being one.
And now, when I come across articles like this, it only amplifies my curiosity. I wish I were some kind of official researcher, so that I could conduct studies on this strange female race of which I am apparently a member. Instead, I have compiled a list of all the things I just don’t understand, which I will now send off into the universe (boys, you can probably sit this one out. Go have yourself an ice cream cone, you’ve been a real trooper.):
Dear fellow females,
WTF is up with…
1.) TIME. Don’t worry ladies, this one I actually have figured out already. Obviously, in order to leave the house every morning looking that polished and put-together, I am sure you must have some kind of time-altering technology. Right?! This is the absolute only explanation I can conjure for how you would still be able to get a full 8 hours of sleep while devoting enough time to looking that fantastic. Is there some kind of application process required to obtain such a device? Do I need references? Please advise, thx.
2.) DESIGNER NAILS. I don’t have anything negative to say about a cute set of nails. They are, truthfully, adorable. AW, is that a flower?! And a bumble bee? DID YOU PAINT YOUR NAILS TO LOOK LIKE A PEACOCK’S FEATHER?! You are wonderful and talented and your nails are nothing short of amazing. But it makes me sad to look at them, because I’m not sure whether you realize that they are 100% temporary. It would be like Picasso creating all his masterpieces with sidewalk chalk. They’re gorgeous, but that probably took a lot of work, and I know for an absolute fact that in T-Minus 22 hours they will chip. Period. A day after that, at least one nail will have an entire corner missing. And before long they will be so ugly that you won’t even be able to see the feather design anymore – you’ll just be faced with the painful decision of either waiting for their inevitable demise, or swabbing them yourself. Was it worth it? The tedious hours involved in their perfection? Wouldn’t you rather have put that kind of effort onto, say, a canvas? Then we could all enjoy it forever!
3.) SHOES. What’s the big deal? They go on your feet. Socks go on your feet, too, but we don’t seem as obsessed with those. So I am utterly confused. From what I understand, many moons ago all the women of the world came together and held a meeting… during which they discussed the secret, magical power of shoes and why they are so vitally important to the female race. I think there was a Breaking Bad marathon on that day, so I must have missed the memo. Someone please brief me on their significance.
4.) CONTOURING. I don’t even have anything else to say about this one, I just want answers. WTF is this.
5.) SHOPPING. I legitimately must be missing something here, because here is my take on shopping: You sift through racks upon racks of clothing, literally 80% of which is not your size / style. On the off chance that you actually find something you like, you take it to the dressing room only to find out half the time that it doesn’t look like you thought it would, or fits you weird, or doesn’t match anything in your existing wardrobe. Even if it somehow passes that test, you then have to stare at it for another 15 minutes – because sure it’s cute, but is it [INSERT DOLLAR AMOUNT] worth of cute? And the answer is alwaysno. Because clothes are always completely unnecessarily expensive. And the whole process takes, like, hours and I feel like there are just so many better ways to spend my life. (See # 1) And then EVEN ONCE IT’S ALL OVER you have to go again in another few months because now everything you just bought is out of style. No thanks y’all, I’ll stick to my existing pair of ripped jeans that I’ve been wearing since 10thgrade and call it a day.
6.) GENERAL PRODUCT PREFERENCES. I have never, in my 24 years of life, said, “this beauty product is better than the others” about anything. Which makes shopping for products an uneventful affair, because I pretty much just reach for whatever’s on sale / on the shelf closest to my outstretched hand. Consequentially, I’ve probably used just about every product at some time or another – and so far, nothing has wowed me enough to have me searching for it the next time around. So I find it fascinating that some women are so loyal to a single brand. What factor could possibly influence your shampoo-buying decision that heavily? And can there really be that much variation in mascara?
7.) SHAVING CREAM. I think the other issue is my complete lackof beauty product usage to begin with. For instance, does anyone actually use shaving cream to shave their legs? And if the answer is yes, why? I mean, is there some advantage to just using the soap in the shower? And be honest on this one, can you look me straight in the eye and tell me that conditioner is ABSOLUTELY essential to your hair? Is there science behind this?
These countless unanswered questions boggle my mind, and more and more arise every day. I sincerely hope that nobody will revoke my girl card for being so completely clueless, as I go upstairs and try to elongate my face-washing process into seven easy steps.
(I wrote this to be primarily rhetorical, but if you truly do have any answers for me I am legitimately curious, and all ears.)

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