Your fears are illogical but mine are not.

RELATED: Also, no one is allowed to have double-standards except for me.

As promised in my recent post about not knowing what to post about, I would like to discuss – momentarily – my fear of sharks, and how it is totally 100% rational. And, while I’m at it, why everybody else’s fears are totally 100% not.

There isn’t much gray area on this for me. Some fears are legitimate, and others are based on absolutely no semblance of logic. For instance: My old boss (as well as my cousin, and my best friend in middle school…) are all absolutely terrified of birds.

Did you hear me? I said birds.

If the jury will kindly draw their attention to Exhibit A:

So okay, just so we’re all on the same page here… that’s a bird. COVER YOUR EYES AND HIDE THE CHILDRE- Oh wait, false alarm guys! It’s just a charming colorful feathered animal of flight. Am I missing something here? People are afraid of this?

But they are! Those people are out there! Probably even outside of my old boss and cousin and middle school best friend. There’s even a whole Alfred Hitchcock movie about people being afraid of this, so they apparently exist.

I just don’t follow. Not one bit.

Especially when there are other things in the world that you should be devoting all your energy to being scared of.

Like I dunno, sharks.

If you’re anything like the other nay-sayers in my life, here’s what you’re thinking right now:

But Susie, you live on land! Obviously if we were in the ocean and there was a shark, we would be afraid. But to walk around in your day-to-day life being afraid of them is silly.

Let me stop you right there, nay-sayer. Maybe if a bird was plucking my eyes out, I would be afraid of birds too. But birds do not go around plucking peoples’ eyes out. Sharks, however, do go around chomping people off their surfboards and just generally being the most terrifying predator in the world.

If a bird does something scary, your plan of attack should just be to run at it with your arms spread wide. They’ll scatter because they’re birds.

If a shark does something scary is just generally anywhere near you, YOU DON’T HAVE A PLAN OF ATTACK BECAUSE YOU’RE PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD.

Do you get what I’m saying here?

Anyway, in conclusion, my fears are totally logical and rational and grounded and yours are absolutely not, and in other news I’m probably going to have to sleep with the light on tonight so a shark doesn’t eat me in my bed.