Throwback Thursday: A Letter to The Anonymous Sticker Bully

Hi there, readers. It’s that time again – Throwback Thursday! Which means the rest of the Interwebz is posting instagram-filtered photos of yesteryear… and I’m over here with a bucket of popcorn, entertaining myself with the recent discovery of all my childhood journals. And I’m passing that entertainment onto youuu!

This week’s installment is a little different, since it is actually NOT written by Childhood Susie. Which might be against the rules… except that OH WAIT I made the rules so it’s totally okay.

The following entry was found in my 6th grade journal, written on March 12th, 2001. I can only guess at which of my middle school friends was the culprit here, because she didn’t sign her name:

HI SUSIE’S JOURNAL I AM GOING TO PUT ONE STICKER ON THIS PAGE FOR EVERY NEW BOYFRIEND SUSIE HAS.

SUSIE’S FUTURE HUSBAND, I HOPE YOU’RE NOT READING THIS…

The second half of the page has six Lisa Frank puppy stickers on it. Six. Which – I might be going out on a limb here – but I’m guessing means that 6th grade Susie had six boyfriends.

I have absolutely no memory to support this discovery, so I am admittedly ignorant as to the surrounding context. Nevertheless, I find myself deeply upset by these findings.

And so I would like to take this opportunity to rebuttle, on behalf of my 6th grade self, to this anonymous sticker bully.

Dear Anonymous Sticker Bully,

I don’t know who you are, or what you want… but I have a very particular set of skills. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will make you pay for these allegations.

First of all, missy, your tallying skills are sincerely lacking. You don’t even have a designated time frame assigned to this venture. Was it six boyfriends over the course of a year? That doesn’t seem so bad. Six boyfriends in a week? Okay, maybe that’s worthy of documentation. But come on, dude, that’s just record-keeping 101. Get it together.

ALSO, while I don’t have any specific memory of this boyfriend streak – I was there, in sixth grade. And knowing Childhood Susie as I do… I am highly suspicious of the plausibility of these claims. I was gangly, bookish, and awkward, and didn’t even have my first kiss until two years after this was written. You do the math.

THIRDLY. Umm, hi, I’m a lowercase letter. Have we met? Here, I should introduce you to my good friend, punctuation.

And furthermore, how dare you bring my future husband into this. This doesn’t have anything to do with him. Put the past in the past, okay? He doesn’t need to know about my scandalous sixth grade affairs.

In fact, I just interrupted Taylor reading on the couch to say: “Hey. What would you say if you found out I had six boyfriends in sixth grade?” To which he replied, “Uhh… I’d say it was sixth grade.” So your libelous attempts were fruitless. HA.

Susie: 1; Anonymous Sticker Bully: 0

In conclusion, not only do you not have the evidentiary support to back this outrageous assertion, but even if you did, it was poorly documented and in any case made no difference to my current love life. So bite me, Anonymous Sticker Bully.

Sincerely,

Susie

P.S. It’s also not my fault, anyway, because boys were really cute back then.