Let me in.
The lane is ending, the window of opportunity is closing, and my car is literally moments away from hurdling off a bridge. My life is in your hands, lady. Do the right thing.
Please let me in.
Okay, I can admit some fault here. I’m big enough to admit that. Journey was on the radio, and I turned it up too high, and I devoted all my attention to belting “Hiiiding, soooomewhere in the NIIIIIIGHT!!!!!” rather than noticing the construction signs telling me to get over. I can accept some of the blame for this one, sure.
But let’s put the past behind us, shall we? Nobody likes a grudge-holder. We’ll start a new chapter, right here and now, and you and I can have a clean slate. Hi there, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Susie, and I desperately need to get over.
Please please please let me in.
Ma’am, I think it’s important that you understand here that I didn’t CHOOSE this. Me needing to navigate my car into your lane is not an elective choice of mine. If I ruled the universe, there would be no traffic and no road construction. Journey would not have come on the radio at that moment, I would have been born with a better attention span, and you and I could be great friends.
But the fact of the matter is, the universe is not under my control. And we have to make do with the reality at hand.
…And that reality is that if you don’t let me over, my car will topple off the side of this bridge in t-minus four seconds.
You’re a good person, I know you are. You don’t want me to die. Please let me in.
I know you see me, girlfriend. Your sunglasses can’t hide your murderous shame. You see me, you know I’m here, and you know I’m at the mercy of your kindness right now. Please. Please let me in.
For the love of God, woman, I’m sorry! I should have paid better attention. I should’ve listened to the radio more responsibly. I should’ve been a more cautious driver. I should have flossed more, I should have eaten my vegetables, I shouldn’t have wasted so much of my life on reality TV. I should have volunteered at charities, I should have spent more time with my little sister… I should have given that homeless man my sandwich the other day.
It’s just that I was selfish and hungry and I had spent a lot of time developing the perfect turkey-mustard ratio. I’m sorry! Please forgive me! Please let me in!
I’ll give him the sandwich next time. I’ll give him eleven sandwiches. I’ll open a sandwich store for him. I’ll build a sandwich mountain and put a shrine to him on top.
Oh, thank god. Thank you. Oh thank you so much. You are a saint. You are an angel. You are Mother Teresa. They should erect statues in your honor, they should name a holiday after you. Thank you so so much.
Now, to turn that radio back up…